Gremlins
Photo taken in Akureyri, Iceland by Heather Wong in June 2018.
For context: this is a self-reflection that came out of my fieldwork after my first coaching session with Buck Dodson. To my first coach/teacher/cheerleader/queer ally, Buck: thank you for reflecting on my talents, holding space, and guiding me through life-changing somatic practices that changed the trajectory of my career as a healer and coach.
Gremlins
I am a big believer in seeking out support when the answer or the need is not readily available. Of course, this hasn’t always been the case with me. It takes courage to ask for help, especially when it comes at the price of being vulnerable and giving up control.
For context, I can be a CONTROL FREAK who likes to micromanage every detail of my life (including those around me if I am not checking myself). Also, I tend to have some persuasive thoughts that I call thought gremlins. Gremlins, to me, are the internal voices that pop up. Imagine a heart-shaped red light saying, “Stop! Risk ahead! I am just looking out for you, boo.” They tend to function as protectors and have a fear-based message. For example, my thought gremlins can talk me out of sharing my struggle and being open.
Enter my first thought gremlin. This one is small, young, and quite paranoid: “You sure you want to reach out to them? It seems like a bad idea…” or sometimes my objective, conservative, and detached lawyer-like thought gremlin pops up and questions my worth: “You are spending a lot of money on self-care this month.” For context, these specific thought gremlins are saturated in whiteness and have masculine energies, but I also have feminine ones of all races and ages that pop up. I also have gremlin-killers, usually Black and beautiful with a feminine demeanor and powerful energy.
But most of the time, my loudest thought gremlin is hardcore judgmental like that bitch, Karen. This one likes to scare the shit out of me using threats and manipulative lies - as most bullies do - and like most bullies, this gremlin has the most obnoxious voice of them all: “No one likes you, you know? They just tolerate your presence. Why would they want to be friends with you? They don’t care about you or your stupid ideas.” (How juvenile is Karen’s voice and argument, by the way.)
Enter the new and improved Heather 2.0. She doesn’t ask for permission to share her mind or needs, and she is ready to kick some ass! I wish…
Remember, my gremlin-killer is Black and beautiful with a femme demeanor and powerful energy - think Nicki Minaj. This voice comes in like a hurricane and is a badass bitch with no time for haters. The only thing is she has a LOUD voice, is independent to a fault, and is somewhat elusive and mysterious. Super hot, right? (I’ll write another blog post on her later.) It’s that gremlin-killer persona that I want to embody and tune in to but lack the trust needed to accept it openly and trust its voice. (Notice my lawyer-like detached gremlin jumped in there. It is good at detaching and objectifying my ideas).
